Common Divorce Mistakes… and How To Avoid Them (Part II)

There are a few common mistakes people tend to make when heading into a divorce.  If you can keep your head clear enough to follow these rules, you’ll be much better off in the long run. 

Don't take legal advice from your friends: Your friends are important, but don't rely on them for legal advice. Every state has a unique set of divorce laws, and a family law attorney can tell you what's in your best interest. Your friends might want to give you legal advice out of love or because they think you need help, but every divorce is different, and your divorce attorney understands the law.

Don't run to court: Make an informed decision with a family law attorney about whether or not you even want to go to trial. If you and your ex are still on speaking terms, or if you have children, you may want to consider collaborative divorce. It can be less expensive than traditional divorce, and both parties still have the benefit of legal council. Read more about collaborative divorce here.

Let your kids be kids: Don't make your children the go-between for you and your ex, and don't unload on them about the other parent. If you need to talk to someone, talk to a therapist or counselor. As a parent, it's your responsibility to protect your children's feelings. Don't make your kids suffer through your problems. 

Be financially prepared: Do your research, find out what your assets are, where your debt is, and gather documents early in the divorce process. Your divorce attorney will have a much easier time if they understand your financial situation up front. 

Stay in control of your grief: You may need to grieve, but try not to let your grief control you. Try to keep divorce in perspective-- the legal aspects should be treated like business decisions. The difficult emotional aspects need to be addressed, but while you're trying to sort out financials. 

Remember that this won't last forever: Divorce can seem never ending, exhausting, stressful, and consuming. The process won't last forever, and your stress levels won't last forever either. Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and try to stay positive and focused.

read more at www.stearns-law.com

Common Divorce Mistakes… and How to Avoid Them (Part I)

Divorce is, by nature, complicated. You’ve spent years building your marriage and entangling your life with the person you’re sitting across the table from. Untangling your assets (and your emotions) takes time too. A family law attorney spends years studying the intricacies of divorce, which explains why divorce is overwhelming to most people.

There are a few common mistakes people tend to make when heading into a divorce.  If you can keep your head clear enough to follow these rules, you’ll be much better off in the long run.

Don’t be afraid of your ex: If your ex has known you since you were a teenager, he or she may be able to still make you feel like one at times. An intimate emotional relationship provides a lot of ammunition for person who wants to manipulate another party.  Now is not the time to rely on an ex for advice, or to let him or her intimidate you. Just because you’re used to asking your ex for answers, doesn’t mean it is (or ever was) a good idea.  If your ex starts making announcements about alimony, your kids, or what you’ll end up with, ignore the conversation.  It’s not up to your ex to decide-- it’s up to the court.

Don’t ignore your taxes: This one can be tricky if you’ve relied on your ex to be the family accountant for years.  Speak to a professional about what you’ll pay taxes on if you split your finances. Dealing with the expense of a tax professional now could save you loads of money in the long term. At the very least, educate yourself.

Stop confusing emotions and business: Keep your head on emotionally when you’re thinking about assets. Don’t be financially impulsive with your ex in an attempt to win him or her back. Signing over your car title to your ex in a moment of desperation may seem generous at the time, but it's foolish. Don't give gifts, make promises, or put yourself at a financial disadvantage in any way to endear yourself to your ex. Be self-protective, even when your instincts tell you not to be.

Don't make verbal agreements: As they say, "verbal agreements are not worth the paper they're written on." If your ex promises you something, get it in writing. Don't rely on oral agreements to hold up in court.

Don't brag: Be discrete about any new relationships or purchases until your divorce is over. Don't brag to friends, your ex, your ex's lawyer, or online. A new relationship can potentially make you seem like you were not committed to your family. Extravagant purchases can influence the court's financial decisions.

Don't be hostile in court: Keep in mind that the judge is evaluating you at all times in the court room, and it's important that the judge respect you. Don't make rude faces at your ex, don't roll your eyes, don't act like an insolent teenager, and don't yell. Stay composed, and be as courteous as you would be in an office environment. Have your cathartic moments later.

Put revenge out of your mind: Dwelling on revenge, anger, and petty arguments are only going to distract you during this difficult process. Stay focused on getting through your divorce, taking care of yourself, and moving on. An angry person is not a happy person.

Check back in with us soon for Part II of Common Divorce Mistakes... and How to Avoid Them.

Read more on www.stearns-law.com

How to Survive the Holidays During A Divorce

The holidays are a wonderful time of the year, but if you’ve recently divorced, the season may seem a bit bleak and overwhelming. Here are a few tips to survive the holidays after a divorce.

1)   Don’t Spend the Holidays Alone —

If you’re not used to being single, you may not be used to reaching out to friends and extended family during the holidays.  Don’t punish yourself by retreating from your support network. You deserve to have a fun and happy season, so make an effort to spend time with people you care about, even if it feels awkward at first.

2)   Celebrate Your Own Way —

If you’ve always wanted an enormous tree but your ex thought they were tacky, buy an enormous tree.  If you’d rather spend a week at a beach resort with some friends instead of crammed around grandma’s table, go buy a plane ticket.  Treat yourself to your own celebration.

3)   Don’t Take Things Too Personally —

Since you’re focused on family dynamics, you may forget to keep friends and family member's comments in perspective. Try not to take insensitive comments too personally. See things for what they are, and move on.

4)   Focus on Others —

Whether it’s collecting cans for the food bank, hosting a benefit, or just reaching out to the new neighbors, focusing on others will help you not to dwell on your own problems. Get involved in your community. You’ll probably meet some amazing people while you’re at it. 

5)   Stay Healthy —

It’s easy to feel preoccupied, forgetful or to blow small bumps in the road out of proportion. Build “healthy” activities into your schedule to keep your stress levels down.  Eat breakfast every morning, get a massage, or go on an evening walk with a friend.

6)   Be Your Own Best Friend —

If your child or best friend were going through a similarly stressful season, what advice would you give them? Think of the advice you’d give to someone you love, and take it. Don’t let yourself dwell, don’t stay in bed all day, and don’t drink to excess. Be proactive in finding fun actives to take your mind off divorce.

7)   Put Your Divorce On Hold —

Unless you have to be in court over the holidays, give yourself a mental vacation from your divorce.  Try to put off important decisions until the New Year if it’s within reason to do so.

Keep in mind that you have the rest of your life to deal with the emotions that come with divorce. Give yourself a break over the holidays, and look at the New Year as a fresh start. Happy holidays, from stearns-Law.com! 

Love Is A Battlefield? Try Collaborative Divorce…

Divorce is usually the culmination of years of tension, resentment, failed second-chances, disappointment, heart-break, distrust and anger. These emotions are draining, and a damaged marriage can result in years of constant stress.

Often, a person experiences a lifetime of anxiety and grief before they even decide to go through with a divorce… and then litigation beings.

Collaborative divorce is a process that allows families to stay out of court and settle their disputes privately and respectfully.  Unlike mediation, the collaborative divorce process allows clients access to their attorneys during the process, so that everyone in the room has as fair access to professional council and legal information. In a collaborative divorce, all parties agree to stay balanced, positive, and productive.

Staying out of court also keeps children shielded from the divorce process.  In a collaborative divorce, it isn’t necessary for children to testify against their parents. The collaborative divorce process is often much more peaceful than a traditional divorce. 

For some, beginning the collaborative divorce process comes as a relief, and marks the end of a difficult marriage. Contact our family law attorneys to find out how collaborative divorce can benefit you and your family.