What are my Rights as a Father after Divorce?

Many fathers are uninformed regarding child custody or visitation after divorce. One common myth is that the mother’s requests are given priority in determining custody, and that the father must comply. Don’t miss out on being a part of your child’s life. You have the same rights as your ex-wife, unless stated otherwise by the court. Here are four rights you have as a father:

The right to be the custodial parent: In decades past, mothers largely won primary custody of their children without much protest. In recent years, more fathers have been granted custody during divorce proceedings. As more women have started working full-time even after the birth of their children, more fathers are adopting the role as primary caregiver. The court will ultimately consider the best situation for your child when granting custody.

The right to be involved: You have the right to spend quality time with your child, which means you have the right to visitation. You can and should maintain a consistent schedule so that you and your child can spend plenty of time together. 

The right to co-parent: If parents are equally involved in parenting before divorce, the court often opts to maintain a similarly equal schedule for the child after divorce. The rules and regulations for co-parenting are different in every state, but hiring a divorce lawyer that knows these rules is crucial to obtaining your rights. Courts often request proof that you and your ex-spouse are capable of communicating effectively to make decisions for your child.

The right to assist decision-making: If you are in a co-parenting custody arrangement, you have the right to assist is making decisions concerning your child’s education, health and religion. 

Keep in mind Georgia requires unmarried fathers to legitimate the child before rights to custody or visitation is considered in court.

Telling Kids About Divorce: 5 Mistakes to Avoid

Being aware of your actions and words as a parent can single handedly alter the severity divorce has on a child.  From a legal perspective, the way a parent interacts with his or her child can influence child custody, visitation, and parental rights in Georgia. The courts are interested in determining which parent is acting in the best interest of a child, so it is imperative to act responsibly to protect your children’s emotions from the stresses of divorce. Here are a few suggestions of what not to say or do when communicating with your child about your divorce.

Avoid giving children too many “adult details”—It is important to consider your child’s age when speaking to him or her about your divorce. The majority of the time a child will not understand, nor do they need to know, if you are getting a divorce because of issues that relate to intimacy, money, abuse or addiction of any kind. It is best to leave the conversation as simple as possible with your child and not get into specifics.   Too many parents fall into the trap of thinking “hey my child asked me and I didn’t want to lie” and “I just wanted the child to know the truth” and “I didn’t think fast enough to think of something else to say”.  What you should say instead is “both your mom and your dad love you very much”.  And if you say it over and over again that will not hurt you, no matter how much you want to say something else.  As a matter of fact, watch closely as you say it and you will see the relief in the child’s body language.

Remind children that they still have a present mom and dad—Divorce can make a child feel like they are losing a parent, so it is imperative to express to a child that they will still have two parents present in their life.  Be sensitive, listen and make yourself available to discuss divorce in a mature way. Prove with your actions that you are present and available.

It’s their fault—Reminding a child that they are not to blame for the divorce is essential to helping children cope with divorce. Children need to be reassured that they did not do anything wrong, and that divorce is an adult issue. Children tend to personalize divorce in many cases, so make it perfectly clear that they’re not at fault. 

Don’t ask them to choose sides—Asking a child to choose one parent over the other is not fair to the child and can result in resentment later on down the road. Furthermore, a court will tend to not give custody to the parent who is willfully jeopardizing the other parent-child relationship, as doing so is emotionally damaging.

Dogging out the other spouse- While going through a divorce is emotional, it is vital that the parents do not lash out at the other, or talk badly about each other in front of the children. It is unhealthy for the child to hear their mom or dad being called negative words by the other. Defaming your ex-spouse can also be held against you in court and can affect the outcome of a custody hearing.

When interacting with children, be merciful and kind, and remember that divorce is a problem between two adults. 

Mary posts regularly on her Georgia Family Law Blog. Read more... 

Divorce Recovery: Keeping Your New Years Resolutions

After a divorce, everyone wants to start the new year with resolutions for a healthier and happier life, but too often those plans are forgotten in just a few weeks. This year, stick to your goals and stay motivated with these five simple tips.

• Make a Plan: After going through a divorce, decide on a few goals, and make a plan. "Getting organized" is a great goal, but it isn't a plan. Start the year off by making a plan for how you will succeed in 2011. Ask yourself: what kind of life do I want this year? Be as specific as possible, and outline a series of steps for reaching your goal. Evaluate your plan for difficulties and potential points of failure, and determine solutions to those problems before they arise. Write out your plan, and revisit it frequently to make sure that you're on the right track.

•  Set Realistic and Measurable Goals: Going through a divorce is difficult, so be realistic about your divorce recovery. Make sure to set realistic and measurable goals for your success. Write out your goals and put them somewhere that you will see every day, like your bathroom mirror or on your refrigerator. A visual reminder will help to reinforce your motivation and remind you that in order to succeed, you must reach for it every day.

• Reward Your Successes: The point of resolutions is to improve your life and better yourself, so when you successfully reach a milestone, celebrate it! Treat yourself, but don't lose sight of your goals. Divorce recovery is a difficult process, so be proud of the little things you do to change for the better. Pick a reward for yourself that doesn't conflict with the overall goals you are reaching for.

• Don't Fret Failure: The hardest part of succeeding is failing, and no one reaches success without a lot of failures on the way. Reaching personal goals isn't like flipping on a light switch; if the goals you've set were that simple, you would have already done them. Accept that along your path to improvement you will have setbacks, failures, and disappointments. Don't let a little setback derail your plans. When you fail to meet a goal or reach a milestone let that disappointment motivate you to push yourself harder towards the next one.

• Don't Be Afraid to Ask: As much as we'd all like to be experts at everything, its just not possible. If you reach a point on your path to success where you feel lost, confused, or unsure of how to continue, ask someone. In this amazing age of technology and connectivity, the answers to almost any question are just a few clicks away. The internet is full of others in your same situation, with your same questions. Post a question on a message board, email an expert, or find a local resource to help clear your confusion. If you’re considering divorce, talk to a family law attorney. With a nearly unlimited pool of information and resources available, you can quickly find someone to guide you through your decisions.

No matter what your New Year's Resolutions are, these tips will help you achieve your goals, and lead you to a happier, more fulfilled 2011. 

Read more on www.stearns-law.com

New Year, New You: Life After Divorce

The holidays can be difficult and trying for many families, especially for those dealing with relationship stress or divorce.  Whether you're recently divorced or going through a divorce, 2011 is the perfect time to re-frame the way you think about your future.  A few small changes to the way you think can vastly improve your life, your happiness, and your well-being.  You've heard it a million times: be positive. If you're going through a dark time, hearing "be positive" seems like trite over simplification, but people are generally inclined respond emotionally to what our bodies do. If you vow to smile, calm down, and stop complaining, you will feel better. At the very least, it will make you a more approachable person, and your interactions with friends and family will be much easier. Don't fixate: Let 2011 be the year where you stop dwelling and fixating on the details of your divorce and your relationship. Replaying arguments and stressful situations causes pain. Focus on moving forward, and vow not to dwell on events that hurt you in the past. If something hurt you in the past, thinking about it over and over will only hurt you in the present.  In life, there is no audience: During a divorce you go through every little detail of your life with your ex, your family law attorney, and probably your family and friends. While these details can be important to the court, in reality, you're not being scrutinized by every single person you interact with. Keep in mind that other adults probably don't have time in their busy lives to judge your every move. The failures and "crazy" moments you have are much more pronounced in your own mind, so there's no need to feel self-conscious about them forever.  Develop a strong network: If you've separated from a spouse or have recently divorced, it's natural to feel lonely, but don't let it last forever. Be brave enough to seek out new friends, even if you feel like a fish out of water at first.  Celebrate: If you've lived with sadness and stress, you've probably developed some habits that keep you from feeling good. Fight your instincts, and be willing to celebrate your life, even if it feels wrong at first. Get out of the house, talk to people, smile, and think about the amazing future you can have.  No matter how you feel right now, remember that your divorce will end, and your sadness won't last forever. 2011 is the perfect time to reinvent yourself and to become the person you want to be.

Read Mary's Family Law Blog on stearns-law.com.

Common Divorce Mistakes… and How To Avoid Them (Part II)

There are a few common mistakes people tend to make when heading into a divorce.  If you can keep your head clear enough to follow these rules, you’ll be much better off in the long run. 

Don't take legal advice from your friends: Your friends are important, but don't rely on them for legal advice. Every state has a unique set of divorce laws, and a family law attorney can tell you what's in your best interest. Your friends might want to give you legal advice out of love or because they think you need help, but every divorce is different, and your divorce attorney understands the law.

Don't run to court: Make an informed decision with a family law attorney about whether or not you even want to go to trial. If you and your ex are still on speaking terms, or if you have children, you may want to consider collaborative divorce. It can be less expensive than traditional divorce, and both parties still have the benefit of legal council. Read more about collaborative divorce here.

Let your kids be kids: Don't make your children the go-between for you and your ex, and don't unload on them about the other parent. If you need to talk to someone, talk to a therapist or counselor. As a parent, it's your responsibility to protect your children's feelings. Don't make your kids suffer through your problems. 

Be financially prepared: Do your research, find out what your assets are, where your debt is, and gather documents early in the divorce process. Your divorce attorney will have a much easier time if they understand your financial situation up front. 

Stay in control of your grief: You may need to grieve, but try not to let your grief control you. Try to keep divorce in perspective-- the legal aspects should be treated like business decisions. The difficult emotional aspects need to be addressed, but while you're trying to sort out financials. 

Remember that this won't last forever: Divorce can seem never ending, exhausting, stressful, and consuming. The process won't last forever, and your stress levels won't last forever either. Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and try to stay positive and focused.

read more at www.stearns-law.com

Common Divorce Mistakes… and How to Avoid Them (Part I)

Divorce is, by nature, complicated. You’ve spent years building your marriage and entangling your life with the person you’re sitting across the table from. Untangling your assets (and your emotions) takes time too. A family law attorney spends years studying the intricacies of divorce, which explains why divorce is overwhelming to most people.

There are a few common mistakes people tend to make when heading into a divorce.  If you can keep your head clear enough to follow these rules, you’ll be much better off in the long run.

Don’t be afraid of your ex: If your ex has known you since you were a teenager, he or she may be able to still make you feel like one at times. An intimate emotional relationship provides a lot of ammunition for person who wants to manipulate another party.  Now is not the time to rely on an ex for advice, or to let him or her intimidate you. Just because you’re used to asking your ex for answers, doesn’t mean it is (or ever was) a good idea.  If your ex starts making announcements about alimony, your kids, or what you’ll end up with, ignore the conversation.  It’s not up to your ex to decide-- it’s up to the court.

Don’t ignore your taxes: This one can be tricky if you’ve relied on your ex to be the family accountant for years.  Speak to a professional about what you’ll pay taxes on if you split your finances. Dealing with the expense of a tax professional now could save you loads of money in the long term. At the very least, educate yourself.

Stop confusing emotions and business: Keep your head on emotionally when you’re thinking about assets. Don’t be financially impulsive with your ex in an attempt to win him or her back. Signing over your car title to your ex in a moment of desperation may seem generous at the time, but it's foolish. Don't give gifts, make promises, or put yourself at a financial disadvantage in any way to endear yourself to your ex. Be self-protective, even when your instincts tell you not to be.

Don't make verbal agreements: As they say, "verbal agreements are not worth the paper they're written on." If your ex promises you something, get it in writing. Don't rely on oral agreements to hold up in court.

Don't brag: Be discrete about any new relationships or purchases until your divorce is over. Don't brag to friends, your ex, your ex's lawyer, or online. A new relationship can potentially make you seem like you were not committed to your family. Extravagant purchases can influence the court's financial decisions.

Don't be hostile in court: Keep in mind that the judge is evaluating you at all times in the court room, and it's important that the judge respect you. Don't make rude faces at your ex, don't roll your eyes, don't act like an insolent teenager, and don't yell. Stay composed, and be as courteous as you would be in an office environment. Have your cathartic moments later.

Put revenge out of your mind: Dwelling on revenge, anger, and petty arguments are only going to distract you during this difficult process. Stay focused on getting through your divorce, taking care of yourself, and moving on. An angry person is not a happy person.

Check back in with us soon for Part II of Common Divorce Mistakes... and How to Avoid Them.

Read more on www.stearns-law.com

How to Survive the Holidays During A Divorce

The holidays are a wonderful time of the year, but if you’ve recently divorced, the season may seem a bit bleak and overwhelming. Here are a few tips to survive the holidays after a divorce.

1)   Don’t Spend the Holidays Alone —

If you’re not used to being single, you may not be used to reaching out to friends and extended family during the holidays.  Don’t punish yourself by retreating from your support network. You deserve to have a fun and happy season, so make an effort to spend time with people you care about, even if it feels awkward at first.

2)   Celebrate Your Own Way —

If you’ve always wanted an enormous tree but your ex thought they were tacky, buy an enormous tree.  If you’d rather spend a week at a beach resort with some friends instead of crammed around grandma’s table, go buy a plane ticket.  Treat yourself to your own celebration.

3)   Don’t Take Things Too Personally —

Since you’re focused on family dynamics, you may forget to keep friends and family member's comments in perspective. Try not to take insensitive comments too personally. See things for what they are, and move on.

4)   Focus on Others —

Whether it’s collecting cans for the food bank, hosting a benefit, or just reaching out to the new neighbors, focusing on others will help you not to dwell on your own problems. Get involved in your community. You’ll probably meet some amazing people while you’re at it. 

5)   Stay Healthy —

It’s easy to feel preoccupied, forgetful or to blow small bumps in the road out of proportion. Build “healthy” activities into your schedule to keep your stress levels down.  Eat breakfast every morning, get a massage, or go on an evening walk with a friend.

6)   Be Your Own Best Friend —

If your child or best friend were going through a similarly stressful season, what advice would you give them? Think of the advice you’d give to someone you love, and take it. Don’t let yourself dwell, don’t stay in bed all day, and don’t drink to excess. Be proactive in finding fun actives to take your mind off divorce.

7)   Put Your Divorce On Hold —

Unless you have to be in court over the holidays, give yourself a mental vacation from your divorce.  Try to put off important decisions until the New Year if it’s within reason to do so.

Keep in mind that you have the rest of your life to deal with the emotions that come with divorce. Give yourself a break over the holidays, and look at the New Year as a fresh start. Happy holidays, from stearns-Law.com!